Tonight was my Communion message night at TCC. It was really nervewracking at first because partway through the afternoon today I started having second thoughts. I was questioning whether or not it was good enough, deep enough, or relevant enough. I read it over and over and over and did SO much editing in the last hour before delivering the message.
I had my best friend read it and tell me what she thought. Though, it really didn't matter what she said because I was pretty bent on the fact that it wasn't good enough. Which is kinda funny coz when I was writing it, it felt so right.
Just before we left as Vanessa was scarfing down her dozenth meal of scrambled eggs and toast since I've been here, she noticed the slightly terrified look on my face and asked if I was alright. I just said that I was nervous and kinda left it at that. Even when I got to the church and stood at the front reading through and rehearsing in my mind, I felt myself being watched from the soundboard at the back as I paced back and forth shaking my hands and jumping up and down to clear the jitters. She knew I wasn't doing so hot and just by being there I really felt like she was supporting me and reassuring me that I could do it.
Fiona and Vanessa both joked that they were expecting people to fall over in their seats, and that anything less wouldn't be acceptable. I told Ness I'd pay her 20 bucks to fall over. Teehee.
So anyways, I decided to do communion a little differently for them, but quite familiar for me. I did it the AUC way, I guess you could say. I call it that because it's where I first learned the "tear off your own bread and dip it into the juice" method. So we did that tonight and I had my little buddy, Wherete (Fiona's 6 yr old grandson) be the bread boy. I did this for two reasons: 1. because if i asked someone else to do it and they felt moved to not take communion, I didn't want to force them into serving it - and by it being a young boy (trained to say "Jesus' body broken for you, I might add. teehee) it lowered the risk of someone else's self evaluation being disturbed; 2. because quite often a child's faith is so much stronger and quite admirable...
Anyways, I talked to him ahead of time and got him to repeat over and over again, "Jesus' body broken for you" (I opted to give him the bread job because a 6 year old holding a glass of grape juice over a carpet is a little frightening)...and finally the time came where the service was about to start.
Well to make a quite long story only slightly long, I got up there and hardly looked at my notes. I hardly said exactly what the paragraphs said (which is something I normally stick right by to make sure I don't lost myself) but got my point across. I was comfortable. I was hot, though, and my face already goes red when I speak in front of people so I felt myself burning up.
It was a really powerful feeling, standing up there and having people in the audience shouting "Yeah!" and "Amen!" and "Come on!"...I had no idea that what I was saying was impacting each person in that room. I hardly remember doing it - so I know it certainly wasn't anything by my own power. It was awesome!
I felt compelled to talk about putting God first in our hearts, because He quite obviously put us first when He sent His Son to free us from our sins. And I still can't believe the response I got. When I finished speaking and Wherete joined me at the front, he looked at me awkwardly for about 30 seconds because no one had moved. I felt a little weird too but then I realized that if people HAD moved right away, it likely would've meant that they didn't get anything about their self evaluation out of the message. And then it was even more powerful when someone really did choose to not come forward because of the state of his heart. It's really confirming and made me realize that something hit home in someone's heart. I was also given quite a few "thank you" and "good job" smiles from even the people that I live and hang out with on a fairly regular basis.
There was a visitor from Christchurch there that I had noticed in the morning Prezzy service, too. He showed up to both and recognized that I had been there in the morning as well. He told me afterwards that he had never heard a better communion sermon. He was glad to be given that sort of perspective on it and thanked me. It was a really amazing feeling!
So I was worrying for nothing. Even if what I said didn't actually speak to anyone, they were all really good at affirming me and making sure I didn't feel uncomfortable. They were really supportive, to say the least. And I feel great.
I do realize now, though, that although I may have a gift in speaking (when I decide to use it correctly), I certainly need to brush up on my vocabulary and body language if I were ever to be a senior pastor. I could tell that I was acting like I was talking to a young crowd. But y'know what? I don't care. This is the way I speak and obviously it means that I'm on the right path being in youth ministry.
I feel really great about tonight. Not great about myself, but that even when I was a nervous wreck, God pulled me through and really touched some lives. It was great.
One shocking moment, though, for my first time leading and serving communion: when most people were done and Vanessa brought the other two boys up (Wherete's brothers, Matiu and Wiremu), Wiremu quite loudly exclaimed that he didn't want the bread, he wanted some of "this" and proceeded to reach up and stick his fist right in the juice cup. HA! Fiona looked a little annoyed but I couldn't help but crack a smile and pat him on the had after I saved the juice from spilling all over the floor. It was cute.
Ok it's bedtime. It's been a long day and tomorrow brings work that needs to be done before I take off to Dunedin for a few days.
Pray for safe travels on the way to Dunedin, and that I can have a good time visiting with friends there. And praise God for really helping me through my nerves tonight and making the message a huge success!
Cheers!
